They say that time is a great healer. I'm not sure who 'they' are or were, or if this means that a great many people have said the same thing. At a time of loss it is one of the many platitudes offered to the grieving person and for some people time will never allow them to fully recover from their grief. But for most of us we do eventually recover enough to be able to move on and get on with our lives. Memories become joyful rather than painful, mementos become a source of happy memories instead of painful reminders and we can get through whole days without thinking about our loss.
How do we work through grief so that we can emerge the other side able to move on and maybe even take the same path again, such as meeting another partner or getting another dog (cat, insert choice of pet here)? When we love unconditionally there is always a risk that one day the person or animal will move on for what ever reason. It could be death or the breakdown of a relationship. There is a saying that goes something along the lines of .."the only two guarantees in life are death and taxes". I should probably point out now, in case you feel cheated later in the piece, that I don't have the definitive answer to this question. I only have my experience and observations.
I once met a lady who had been a widow for nine months. She still cried every day, was still sleeping on the couch because any bed represented the loss of her husband and was struggling to carry on with her life even with medication and professional counselling. I have known other people who were never the same following the death of their spouse or child but did continue to live their lives and were able to have fun doing so. I have also known women who have never recovered from the loss of their spouse, not from death, but through the breakdown of the relationship. They remain bitter, angry and resentful, unable to move on and meet other potential partners or to work through their pain to a degree that enables them to live their lives in fulfilment and happiness.
Last month I ran two workshops at different aged care facilities for staff who had experienced a cluster of deaths. You may imagine that working in an aged care facility, or indeed any health care setting, meant that the health care staff encountered death on an almost daily basis. However this is incorrect. Whilst there will always be deaths in an aged care facility they are usually spaced out and not that frequent. A cluster in two facilities had left the staff devastated and starting to withdraw emotionally to protect themselves. The workshops helped the staff to reconnect to their purpose for choosing that particular profession and to remember all that they had given and the difference that they had made.
And this is how I am coping with grief today and all the days that it takes to be able to remember Josh without my eyes leaking. Whilst it is true that Josh gave us all more than we could ever give him we did give him all that we could, without spoiling him rotten. He was loved unconditionally, even when he dug a hole in the back yard that would have won awards at a wombat competition. Even when he snuck into my bedroom and found the Christmas chocolate. Even when he refused to go back outside without a treat or when he tried to fight other dogs at the vets. He was loved and cared for every day that he lived with us. He was part of our family. He knew that he would always have a home, always be loved, always be fed, always be kissed on the top of his hard head with that soft fur and that we would always be here for him. I choose to keep busy and not to think about him most of the time. I choose to honour him by giving his food and belongs to other people and organisations that help rescue greyhounds. I also choose to keep a few of his items that I have put away until it doesn't make my eyes leak when I see them. I choose to take it one day at a time and not force it. I choose to support my family grieve in what ever way works best for them. This is how I work through grief.
I offer my thoughts and condolences to you if you are grieving and respectfully ask you to consider taking all the time you need, to get professional help if you are struggling to cope and if your eyes keep leaking after a month or two.
Be nice to yourself
love
Sarah
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